Dumb Things Said By Yours Truly

Last night at yet another family dinner, we were discussing Kobe beef or steak or whatever the hell it is.

Uncle: That's the beef they have in Japan right?

Dad: Ya, and they feed the cows beer.

Me: I bet that's how I would taste if someone decided to chop me up and eat me.

*blank stares followed by Boyfriend sliding my drink away from me*

New Catchphrase

My friend Melissa and I have coined a new catchphrase. It's called being thrown out "Fresh Prince Style". If you've ever watched the show and are familiar with the characters of Uncle Phil and Jazz, you know exactly what we're talking about. If not, you will have to look it up on the Internet because I am feeling too lazy to explain it today. Here is how our new catchphrase can be used in a sentence:

"If I would go into Eat N Park and bitch slap that waitress, I would get thrown out of there Fresh Prince Style."

OR

"The bus driver was so mad at the passenger for peeing on the seat, he threw him off the bus Fresh Prince Style."

Get it? OK people, your goal is to use our new catchphrase in at least 2 sentences today so you can get the hang of it.

Mom and Me

Most conversations that I have with my mother crack me up mostly because they don't make any sense. Here are some that we have had over the holiday and I promise you more to come in the near future

THE IPOD

Mom: I want one of those ipods for Christmas.

*side note - mom is technologically retarded*

Me: Do you have a program on your computer that can download the songs for you?

Mom: No, but you do.

Me: See, now this is why I don't want to buy you one, you have to do this yourself.

Mom: I don't see why this is such a big deal, I only want a couple songs!

Me: .......

Me: Do you actually even know what an ipod is?

THE IPOD PART II

Mom: I've changed my mind, I want an ipod, but with a radio on it.

Me: Again, do you really know what an ipod is?

THE APPETIZER OF DEATH

Me: Go ahead FC, pick the appetizer you want and I promise you I'll eat it (duh).

FC: OK lets get the spinach and cheese dip.

Me: Good choice!

FC: Oh I didn't see they had fried macaroni and cheese....let's get that!

Me: Even better!

Waitress: Can I take your order?

Me: Yes, can I have a Diet Coke and can I also put in an appetizer order for the fried mac and cheese?

Mom: YOUR NOT GETTING THE SPINACH AND CHEESE DIP!?!?!?

*she is yelling at me at this point if you didn't quite catch that*

Me: No, but we can change it back if you want.

Mom: Why? I wasn't going to eat any of it.

THE CELL PHONE SHE'LL NEVER LEARN HOW TO WORK

Mom: I want one of those Razor Cell Phones.

Me: I don't think you need that.

Mom: I want it for Christmas.

Me: OK, do you want it from your current wireless carrier, or do you want to switch?

Mom: No, I just want the phone.

Me: Well you need to get it from somewhere.

Mom: No you don't.

Me: If I just buy it, it will be hundreds of dollars.

Mom: So? Don't you think I'm worth it?

Suzy Homemaker I am Not

Disasters I have caused lately:

The Sugar Cookie Disaster

Apparently sugar cookie dough cannot last that long, and if you do decide to put it in the refrigerator, you should cover it. Boyfriend tried to help me make my impending candy cane cookies.

Boyfriend: This cookie dough is hard as a rock.

Me: So, it still tastes OK.

Boyfriend: No, it won't taste OK, its as hard as a rock.

Me: Tastes good to me.

Boyfriend: Sometimes I just really don't understand your thought process.

Me: Do you really think there is one?

Boyfriend: I can imagine the recipe you would write for sugar cookies "First, set aside 30 days".

The Sprained Ankle

Sick of the long week I had spent in tennis shoes, I decided that it was time to get back into a pair of heels again. A pair of REALLY big heels.

It took about 4 steps on hardwood floor for me to tell that this was a bad decision.

Me: Can you tell I'm walking funny?

Boyfriend: No, its like your pimp walk.

The Birthday Party

One of my good friend's (I'll call her Cool Mom, CM for short) was having a birthday party for her 2 year old this past weekend. When I arrived at her house, I saw that she was struggling to get the food onto the table. Against my better judgment and her ignorance, I tried to assist her.

My first task was to prepare a spinach dip. CM did not defrost the spinach. I said we could just run hot water over it, she said to put it in the microwave. I did as she said because unlike my suggestion, it made sense.

I was primed as a peach after I prepared my dip and put it in the oven. I didn't break anything, I didn't burn any flesh off myself, and no one had lost any limbs. I was very pleased with myself until CM discovered that there was no spinach in the spinach dip and yelled for me to take it out of the oven - NOW.

Soon after, Roommate #1 arrived and immediately expressed her discontent of me being in the kitchen. Soon after that, I burnt her arm with bacon grease by throwing (yes, seriously THROWING) a piece of wrapped bacon into the already simmering pan.

The Ironing Mishap

Yesterday I took a scolding hot iron to my favorite sheer shirt. The result? Total meltdown and one unhappy camper.

Needless to say I've learned my lesson. I will now be hibernating in my room so I can not cause anymore damage to myself or others. See you in the new year....possibly.

A New World Record

I would just like all of my readers to know that I have gone two whole weeks without being drunk. Granted, I have drank, but not the mass proportions I usually do that leave me in shame and shambles the next morning.

That being said, this weekend is New Years. Bring it on.

Krazy Kaufmann's Lady

I have been meaning to blog about this interesting character for awhile now. KKL sits outside of the old Downtown Kaufmann's (which is now Macy's, but whatever) and screams obscenities to me and whoever else decides to cross her path that day. This is what she was screaming on Friday:

"Cut her asshole out!"


Ouch KKL....ouch.

You Have to Have Thick Skin to Roll With THIS Family

One of the things my family does best when we are all together is pick on each other, especially when there is alchool involved (which is pretty much always). This Christmas did not disappoint. Here is the list of victims:

-- My Uncle's girlfriend let it slip that he wore two totally different shoes to work that week. It was pretty bad. One shoe he had to tie to put on, and the other was a slip on. When Uncle came over on Christmas day, my Dad even went as far as to switch one of his own shoes with Uncle's to see if he would notice before he left their house.

-- We persistently made fun of my Grandfather after my Grandmother said that they would take the bus everywhere when they first started dating. We called him "Big Spender" for the rest of the night.

-- Uncle and his Girlfriend bought Favorite Cousin's Boyfriend the same exact shirt he had on that night. FC's boyfriend made the mistake of saying that it was a great gift since he hadn't washed the one he had on in a while. This threw the family into an uproar and I refused to sit next to him.

-- Uncle's Girlfriend made the mistake of telling us that her family used to hang their Christmas Tree out of their bathroom window when she was growing up. This led to a HUGE debate, and eventually a Google search to see if it was a true tradition or if she was just "weird."

-- UG's son wanted to go to midnight mass after about 6 beers. She the proceeded to tell him to go and get blessed in hopes that it would make HER life easier.

-- A certain relative's alchoolism was the talk of the holiday and random search parties were sent out to look for any reminisce she might have left behind.

-- Grandma and Grandpap's inheritance is always the talk of our family gatherings. The second generation gets grandpap's inheritance and are constantly telling him to shut lights off and not to donate to any more charities. The third generation (me) gets Grandma's inheritance and we always thank her for not donating to charities being that we are the only charity she needs to be concerned with. Mine and FC's boyfriends think this is horrible. We think its hilarious.

-- The Fam always finds it hilarious to refer to FC's boyfriend as "Ben" behind his back. Ben was FC's old boyfriend who bears a striking resemblance to the new boyfriend. I find it hilarious when they slip up and say it to his face.

-- Making fun of Grandma's hearing is always free game. Sometimes we just mouth stuff to her to see if she can tell the difference. We have been doing this for years.

-- My mom always tells me that my dog is the only "grandchild" she will ever have. I always look forward to seeing my dad's face when I respond with "Well, that's what you think" while I rub my stomach and smile.

So, anyone want to marry me?

Always Naughty, Never Nice

Just thought I would share.......

Here is a random e-mail from a co-worker that was sent to me today. I'll exclude the body of it, being that it was just discussing happy hour. The P.S. is what killed me.

"PS I just saw Santa and he said you ain't getting SHIT"

Well that's good to know, being that shit wasn't even on my Christmas list this year.

Worst. Weekend. EVER!!! Part II

Saturday night was pretty uneventful being that Boyfriend got sick and I got the pleasure of listening to him hack up a lung all night instead of going out to dinner like I really wanted to. And the fun didn't end there.

We were both woken up at 4 in the morning by Cayden's cries. I knew what this meant. I tried to go back to sleep and pretend that I didn't hear anything, but I figured that was too cruel even for me. Doggy was covered in crap yet again. I held him out in front of me like the little infectious disease that he was, and took him outside so he could leave even more cowpies all over the sidewalk for people to step in.

This is when I found out that Boyfriend knows me too well. When I got back in the house, he had already cleaned up Cayden's crate for me. Lucky for him. I was on such a tirade that night that I probably would have suffocated him with a pillow if I came back in and saw that he was still in bed. Boyfriend is a good boyfriend, and I appreciate him.

After that ordeal, Boyfriend couldn't stop coughing so we watched some TV for about a half hour. As soon as we said we were going to bed, Cayden started shaking. He followed me into the bathroom, and proceeded to cover the bathroom floor in poo. I then got the pleasure of washing his ass for about the 135th time that week.

Sunday proved to be no different. After I brought in my groceries from the store, I thought it would be a good idea to take the dog for a walk while I was on the phone with Old College Roommate, totally neglecting the fact that I am THE most uncoordinated person in the world and a world renowned klutz.

I stepped in a hole in the sidewalk, rolled my ankle, and heard the worst cracking noises that still give me nightmares. The dog tried to run away from me (way to go Lassie) and I had to lunge to grab him. Now people, I cannot tell you how many times I have tripped, fell, or smacked myself in the head with something and have been able to escape without serious injury. It is absolutely HORRIFYING that I seriously screwed myself up because I was walking my dog and talking on the phone at the same time.

While this is going on OCR is still talking. I try to interrupt her about 3 times before she hears me.

Me: OCR, I think I really hurt myself.

OCR: What?!

Me: I stepped in a hole in the sidewalk and rolled my ankle. It made a loud cracking sound and now it hurts really bad!

OCR: *Loud Laughter* Aww Meggie, did you forget that you can't walk and chew gum the same time?

Me: Yes, and I don't know why I even tried to overstep my boundaries. I have to go now and try to hobble my way home.

Ya, I really f'ed up my ankle. It swelled to the size of a baseball and I even had to call of work on Monday because I couldn't walk on it. The thing that surprises me (or perhaps doesn't surprise me) is that when I tell someone about it, their first reaction is to laugh uncontrollably instead of asking me if I'm alright. I can feel the love.

Christmas is this weekend. Hopefully I will get my Tiffany's 10 Row Necklace and everything will be right with the world again.

Updates

Updates are coming. I have gotten extremely busy at work and home with the coming holiday. I promise you all more hillarious stories in the near future. For now, please try to contain yourselves.

Worst. Weekend. EVER!!! Part I

OK so it has been awhile since I last posted. Let me tell you why.....

The past weekend started out kind of nice. I went to my Firm's Christmas Party on Friday night (which let me out of work an hour early...woo hoo!!!), and its hard to have a bad time when you are given an unlimited amount of free alchool and food. I sat, I conversed, I drank my paychecks worth of alchool, and I of course, ate my face off. All of these aspects combined make one happy Meghan. Things got pretty interesting when someone brought out a camera. Everytime Guy I Don't Know With a Camera would take a picture of my friends and I, we would make stupid faces and give him the thumbs up sign (umm have another drink Meghan and friends). After doing this multiple times, his camera stopped working. This lead us to believe that we did indeed, break his camera.

This is where the fun ended.

I was woken by my roommate at about 10 in the morning to inform me that yet again, the dog had shit all over himself. After almost throwing up about 15 times and giving Cayden his 4th bath this week, I decided to get some of my Christmas presents together. After about, oh, a half hour of that, I got bored. And since it is almost physically and mentally impossible for me to finish anything I start, I decided that I wanted to get a haircut. I called my favorite salon and to my surprise I got an appointment the exact time I wanted it for, on a Saturday none-the-less. OK people, how does that old saying go? Oh ya, when it sounds too good to be true, it probably is.

On the way to my hair appointment, I was on the phone with my dad talking about the dog's crap-ca-pades. Refusing to let my "bad driver because she doesn't pay attention" reputation down, I made a right at the bottom of my hill instead of a left. Not a big problem right? WRONG! I was stuck in idle traffic for forty. five. minutes. 45 minutes of not moving anywhere. 45 minutes of me cussing and screaming at absolutely nothing because I was in the car by myself. 45 minutes of just staring out the window and mouthing words to songs I barely knew on the radio while most likely looking like an absolute headcase to other drivers surrounding me. The only good thing was that i was able to push my hair appointment a half hour, but in hindsight - not so good.

When I got there the hairdresser (who had never done my hair before) called me Stacie. I should have know then that she was a few fries short of a Happy Meal. If you are that much of a mental midget that you cannot look at an appointment book and READ someones name, you are just proving Darwin's Theory of Natural Selection to be false.

Idiot Girl gave me the worst haircut ever. She seriously butchered me. When I told her to stop cutting because it was getting too short she said "Well, that's what you wanted". Um no retard, that's NOT what I wanted. I told you I wanted ONE inch cut off not THREE. I had already made the observation that she didn't know how to read, but then she proved her idiot status to me even more by showing me she couldn't count either. She would also ask me my preferences AFTER she would perform the act like - "You don't want to be able to put your bangs behind your ear right? *Snip*" - "Um, well I WOULD have liked that, but apparently now I'm going to have to wait about a month to do it" and "Do you like hairspray? *said as she's immersing my hair with about a half can of it" - "Actually no, I don't use it, but at least now I know that I happen to get stuck in a TORNADO on my way home, my hair wouldn't get messed up!"

I walked out of the salon looking like a boy with Cindy Lauper bangs. I cried the whole way home. When Boyfriend came over to comfort me, I pushed him away and said that I looked like a boy with boobs. I told him he would have to turn gay in order to stay with me. And this people, was just Saturday afternoon.

Happy?? Holidays

An email exchange between Favorite Cousin and I:

Me: "So, when are you coming home? FYI for you and the boyrfriend....on Christmas my friends and I usually hit the bar at night when we've had TOO much family time. I think we're going somewhere in mckeesport if you guys want to come with us."

FC: "I'll be home this Saturday - I have quite the break this year! Yeah I'm all about drinking on Christmas - my mom's side is usually throwing things and not talking by like 7 pm so it's a good idea - I'll let you know!"

Surprises Aren't Always Good

*DISCLAIMER: THIS STORY MAY NOT BE SUITABLE FOR PEOPLE WITH WEAK STOMACHS (OR ARE JUST PLAIN SISSIES)*

My dog has once again set my biological clock back about 10 years and has made me realize that I will probably not be a good parent.

Wednesdays are my days to run errands and catch up around the house. Yesterday, I filled up my gas tank, went and picked up my prescription and was looking forward to coming home and putting up our Christmas Tree. This however, would not be the case.

As soon as I opened the door to the dog's room the smell hit me like a punch in the face. Upon further investigation I realized that he not only crapped, but diarrheaed all.over.himself. I mean it was EVERYWHERE, even on his face! I am absolutely FURIOUS. Even though I know deep down inside that he could not help it, I still think he did it to spite me. As soon as I let him out of his crate he was even nice enough to leave terd marks wherever he decided to step on the carpet. I then proceeded to scoop him up and hold him waaaay out in front of me like he was some sort of infectious disease, while he grunted like a pig to show his discontent until I put him down outside.

You would think that my little creature got everything out of his system considering that his whole crate was covered in shit, but when I took him outside, he left a HUGE cowpie right in the middle of the sidewalk. I couldn't pick this up for obvious reasons, but I'll tell you what I could do. I got the honor of wiping my dog's ass with a plastic bag since not all of that cowpie was left on the sidewalk.

As soon as I got in the house I went down in the basement and threw him in the stationary tub and hosed him off. He shivered and cried the whole time and I actually started to feel bad for him. Poor guy had a rough day. He pooped all over himself, got his bed and favorite toy thrown away, and worst of all had to get a bath (which he hasn't had in a long time since we just went through the whole neutering process).

When it was all over, both Cayden and I were squeaky clean (being that I always get "bath by default" whenever I give him one) and we spent the rest of the night putting up our decorations.

My prediction? I will be multiple personalities mom. At first I will hate my children for doing something that wasn't their fault, but then I will end up feeling sorry for them when they start to cry. I will give them kisses and feed them most likely. I will then go about my normal business pretending like nothing happened.

Wait, that's sorta like MY mom.....uh oh.

Natasha

Does Natasha Bedingfield read my blog? If so, did it inspire her new song "Single"? Ya, I didn't think so either.

What Hell Looks Like

Yes, I experienced Hell last night....well, my own personal hell anyways. For some strange reason that even I don't know, I wanted to get Cayden's picture taken with Santa last night at the mall. I made Favorite Co-Worker come with me and convinced her to bring her Maltese, Dakota. Little did I know that I would be held prisoner in my personal hell for 3 hours. After the first hour, I was determined not to leave no matter how much Favorite Co-Worker pleaded with me. If I was there that long already, god dammit I was getting that picture taken.

I would have rather taken a trip to the dentist, while having to hold 2 babies that had diarrhea and have a gaggle of loud, obnoxious teenagers around me while I was getting a root canal.......seriously.

This night is now dubbed "The Night of Bad Decisions" by me. For another reason that I'm not really sure of, I totally overlooked the fact that I'm scared to death of large dogs. In my warped mind (we'll call this Meghan Land from now on), I figured only cute little dogs like mine would be there. For the first hour, I cowered in the corner because of a ferocious German Shepherd that was growling and snarling at everything that crossed its path. I'm glad that the mentally incompetent owners of this dog thought it was a good idea to bring it to a place full of children and small dogs. I'm surprised no one got their arm ripped off. Idiots.

Adding to the excitement was FCW's totally out of control dog. The mall was Dakota's bathroom. He peed on store ledges, FCW's foot, and also her coat....twice. He barked at other dogs, tangled himself in about 12 other leashes, and ran away from us multiple times. FCW was not amused, I however, could not stop laughing especially since everyone was commenting on how well behaved my dog was.

A Boston Terrier also tried to attack my little creature for no reason whatsoever. If no one was looking, I would have punted that piece o' crap across the mall.

Did I mention the picture sucks? Both of our dogs' eyes are closed and Santa looks extra specially creepy. I blame this on the incredible large amount of alchool and/or drugs Santa probably took prior to this event. I guess I can't really blame him, I wouldn't expect anyone to sit through that completely sober.

After wasting 3 hours of our life and one crappy picture later, we both got home around 11:30. The e-mail I got this morning from FCW left me in stitches:

"caydin a good dog... caydin's the best dog.... caydin, caydin,caydin.... i am so friggin tired...."

It's good to know she enjoyed herself as much as I did.

Why Heels Don't Work For Me

Seriously, I am looking HOT today. This morning I actually ironed all of my clothes, put make up on, and matched my shirt to my favorite Steve Madden pointy toe heels. I'm pretty sure that people at my office don't even know its me. It's probably like Halloween to them. I'm not really sure whey I did this. The single attorneys here aren't that cute (OK they're ugly) and I'm not into women, so I guess I'll go out on a limb here and say I did this for myself, because I am in fact, selfish.

I got to work, set my stuff down, changed out of my sneakers into my sexy shoes and went downstairs to buy me a bagel. I then proceeded to strut my stuff all around Oxford Centre being that I was indeed, the shit.

Since I refuse to pay the extra .50 for the pop that they sell where I buy my bagel, I had to take a trip downstairs to the little food stand they have in our lobby. This decision entailed me to take the escalator.

Usually escalators don't give me that much trouble. I think the escalator and I may have a mutual understanding with each other, unlike the stairs and the cracks in the sidewalk do. I can glide onto the first step that comes my way, search through my belongings on them without falling backwards, and sometimes I can even run down the steps (this usually occurs when I get off work).

Today was a problem.

Some sort of sticky substance had gotten on the bottom of my sexy shoes, and the noise it made was driving. me. crazy. I had to take action. While i was on the escalator I lifted my one shoe up to peel off the sticky substance that had latched itself on to me. At that same moment, my heel that was SUPPOSED to be firmly planted on the step slipped out from under me sending me flying backwards while my arms flailed everywhere in order to find the railings that would prevent my almost imminent face plant onto the floor. Surprisingly, I grabbed onto the railings and got my balance before I severely injured myself, but not before I made the LOUD noises that echoed throughout the lobby. I saw some guy snicker at me, and I had to muster up all the self control I had not to run up to him and sucker punch him in the chest, thus disabling his ability to breathe (and laugh).

I was wrong about the understanding I had with you escalator. I didn't think that you were like the other obstacles that I battle with on a daily basis. I thought we had a deal!!!! Rot in hell.

FYI

ATTENTION: ALIENS ARE COMING TO ABDUCT ALL THE GOOD LOOKING AND SEXY PEOPLE.

YOU WILL BE SAFE!


I'M JUST HERE TO SAY GOODBYE.

Props to my Homies

I would just like to give props to the Roommate and myself. For reasons that I am not going to get into, our intelligence far surpasses the average woman. Seriously, we're up there with Oprah.

Hopefully there are more of our breed out there. However, I'm not too sure if mankind could really handle it.

So cheers to our type of women in the world. Women who are strong, independent, and won't put up with your crap. Prepare for us to take over the world.

Bus Neanderthals v. T Snobs

This topic has become a running joke between Boyfriend and I for about a year now. I ride the bus that mostly runs through the inner cities of Pittsburgh, and is apparently at fault for my "neanderthal" ways. He on the other hand rides the pretentious T that runs through most of the outer suburbs of Pittsburgh, and is apparently at fault for his "snobby" ways.

If you knew us as a couple, you would know that these stereotypes don't fit us at all. In fact, its kind of the other way around, thus giving it more hilarity than intended.

The whole joke got started when my old sports fanatic boss gave me and the rest of my office permission to go and get hammered the day after the Steelers won the Superbowl at a nearby bar downtown. I was drinking from 10 am to about 4 pm with no lunch and very little breakfast. I'm sure we can all imagine the state I was in when Boyfriend came to take my sorry inebriated butt home after he got off work.

I was in no condition to drive, so he took me back to his place. In order for us to go back there, we had to take the Snotty T.

Apparently, this is where I embarrassed the crap out of him.

Aside from my loud and obnoxious behavior, I also became the potty mouthed personal space invader on our ride home. At this point Boyfriend had enough and looks over at me and says thorough his teeth, "You can't act this way on here." I, of course, counteract this statement in my I'm drunk so I actually think I'm speaking quietly voice "THAT'S BECAUSE YOU'RE ALL T SNOBS!!!!!" This sent Boyfriend into hysterics and he responded through his stifled laughter, "Well here on the T, we don't act like you BUS people."

This is how the stereotype was created. Now, when I ride both forms of transportation I can really appreciate the difference. Most people on the T are very quiet, and the most you hear out of them are the rustlings of their newspapers that they are ALWAYS reading. They are polite and say excuse me when they need to walk past you. On the other hand, Bus People are so loud that you may as well just throw your newspaper away, or on the other hand, just throw it on the floor, because apparently that's the "Bus People" way. There's always a mom beating the crap out of her kids and always someone who is sharing their phone conversation with the whole bus. The words "excuse me" are not a part of Bus People's language, they just push past people so they can get off the bus as quickly as possible so that they don't miss happy hour.

Our stereotype was more then justified today when I saw the following headline:

"Man shoots himself [in thigh] on bus on South Side"

I'm definitely going to get teased about this tonight.

Making My Parents Proud

After I posted last Friday, I was informed that I was on Eat n' Park's "Most Wanted List" because of the drunken fit I had there on Thanksgiving Eve. People, I have really hit a new low. My roommate begs to differ, she says I have hit a new high. Whatever the case, I know I cannot take my drunk or sober ass there in the near future. Crap.

Who Knew?

The boyfriend took me ice skating over the weekend and at first, I didn't want to go. Boyfriend did not understand this. Boyfriend told me that when he told the girls at work that he was taking me ice skating they all responded with "aww I wish MY boyfriend would take ME ice skating". I told him to take them instead of me, he declined.

I hate ice skating. Not only can I not skate for CRAP, I always have bad experiences when someone forces me to go with them.

When I first get on the ice I have to hold onto the railing before I find my bearings. This small moment of embarrassment is fine by me, but it seems whenever it is my turn to go, there is always a little fat kid dangling right on the part of the railing that I need to hang onto. Instead of going with my instincts and knocking the little fat kid over, I skate around them while my arms and legs flail about. This on the other hand, is too much embarrassment for me to handle.

Then there is the 7 year old hockey player that sees I can't skate for crap. He weaves in and out of my path and sometimes sprays me with ice. I try to trip him (ya I'm evil, you don't have to remind me), but I end up falling on the ice, embarrassing myself even more. What a little turd.

Finally, there are the teenagers. I hate teenagers more than I hate children simply because of the fact that they should know better. The teenagers see me flailing about because of the above mentioned things, and laugh loudly and point at me. I hate teenagers.

However, this weekend proved to be different. After boyfriend payed a RIDICULOUS price for us to skate on the world's smallest ice skating rink, and about 3 skate exchanges later we were on the ice and I was having the time of my life. Was it because boyfriend and I were skating hand-in-hand? No. Was it because of the Christmas ambiance that surrounded me? Definitely Not. It was the sheer fact that all around me people were hurting themselves. This was the best form of entertainment I had had in a long time.

If you know me, you know that this is one of the things I enjoy most in life. I am THE biggest fans of America's Funniest Home Videos simply because of this horrible obsession I have. I laugh myself to pieces when I see people swinging into trees or hitting themselves in the face with a hammer. The ice skating rink brought this to life for me. People were laying all over the ice and there were constant thuds from people wiping out when they ran into the walls. At this point, boyfriend looks over at me and sees a smile, rather than a scowl on my face.

Boyfriend: OK one more time around and then we can leave.

Me: Can we make it two times?

Boyfriend: Uh oh, it seems like someone is having fun!

(Me with disgusted look on my face)

Boyfriend: Don't worry I won't tell anyone.

Me: And I appreciate that.

I'm Baaaacccck!

OK wow, it sure has been awhile! I hope that everyone is happy to have me back after my severe case of writer's block. So you want to know what I have been up to lately? Since you've asked so nicely, I will answer.

Well I got myself a dog...I know what you must be thinking, "uhhh Meghan, don't you hate dogs?" Yes, I do hate dogs, but not pint sized ones that have eyes the same color as mine and that I have trained to perfection....well OK not perfection, but the obedience class I will be taking him to in January should have a hand in that. Here is a picture of my little creature:

The cats have turned on me. I now call them "The Assholes". They spill crap all over the kitchen and expect me to clean it up. They are starting to get sick on me again. They try to trip me when I walk down the stairs. These are just a few examples of the incidents I have encountered since bringing the d-o-double g into THEIR house. I swear I can hear them snickering at me sometimes, but alas, I still love them.

And last but not least- BINGE DRINKING! I have been doing this every weekend, and at the end of the weekend I always swear that I will not drink again until another holiday/celebration/millennium is reached. However, for reasons unbeknownst to me, it never happens. One of my crazy friends calls me and FORCES me to go out and binge drink with them, and I'm always more than willing to oblige. (OK so maybe I'm not FORCED to, by anyways....)

I always end up doing dumb things like this:

and also loving my friends too much like this:

and in the end, look absolutely repulsive like this:

Thanksgiving Eve did not produce such incriminating photos such as these (thank god!), but I did need to create a list of people to apologize to, being that my behavior that night was outrageous and downright unacceptable. Here is a copy of my list, but I would like you all to know that I really don't intend on apologizing to any of these people. I just choose not to grace them, or their fine establishments with my presence anymore. I'm sure that will more then suffice for them.

1. Alexis, for spitting on her shoes

2. Tequila Willies staff for single handily destroying their Christmas decorations

3. To my friend Stan, for spending all of his money

4. To the bartenders and GM of Tequila Willies with whom I relentlessly argued with saying that I spoke to someone who said there were specials there that night, knowing that I only heard that on a machine

5. To the owners of the hole-in-the wall bar we went to. I'm pretty sure I puked all over your bathroom, and I'm also pretty sure I didn't clean it up

6. The staff and occupants of Eat n' Park for my loud obnoxious behavior, my loud obscenities, and the food I threw everywhere

7. To Uncle Steak and your clearly unamused friend for dragging you to Eat n' Park thus forcing you to deal with that whole debacle, sober

Thank goodness the lovely, lovely boyfriend was away with his family for Thanksgiving. He probably would have killed me.

OK well that's my update. I'm off again this weekend to do some more binge drinking, ice skating, and eating (duh!). With all of those aspects combined, hopefully I will have some good material for you to read Monday morning! Have a great weekend everyone!