A Walk Down Memory Lane

Due to the fact that I am about the most BORING person in the world lately, I am going to tell you guys a story of when I studied abroad in Ireland. You bitches are in for a real treat.

Contrary to popular belief, I used to be a wild child. Back in my late years of high school and early years of college, I was absolutely batshit crazy. Take for example yesterday, when I was informed that I had thieved a car not once, but twice in my life. Yes, apparently the second time just slipped my mind. Before you guys think that I'm a fugitive, let me just inform you that the cars belong to people that I knew. So I didn't really steal them, I just borrowed them......ummmm, without telling anyone. Ya, thats what happened.....


OK so back to Ireland. Hurricane Meghan invaded the Emerald Isle in March of 2004, her senior year of college. I was beyond pumped for this trip. It was the only thing on my mind ever since I conned money out of my mom and dad in early November. Needless to say, I knew I was in for one helluva spring break.


The only person I knew on this trip was one of my sorority sisters. Everyone else was a complete stranger to me, but I made friends quickly courtesy of the first wild and crazy night we had there. And this is where our story begins.


You see, for the first two nights we spent in Ireland we stayed in a monestary. But it was a mega cool monestary. So cool that I smoked a couple cigarettes with a nun one day. They were pretty tolerant of alot of things there, but not everything as I was soon to find out.


After we got settled in to our respective rooms, got showers, and introduced ourselves, our entire group (about 28 of us) walked across the street to this local bar in the small town of Maynouth, which is about an hour outside of Dublin. From this point on, all 28 of got completely, utterly, shamefully hammered except for this one girl who wouldn't drink because she basically just sucked. At one point, the group of us turned this tiny bar into a dance club, which the bartender was not too happy about. Apparently he was yelling at us to stop and telling us that "we don't do those kinds of things here", but all of us were too drunk to hear or care. So drunk in fact, that I remember us all dancing like chickens while singing "God Bless America" with some of the locals. They dug our chicken dancing.

As the night went on, our number dwindled down until there was only about 5 of us left and the bar owner had to all but throw us "Fresh Prince Style" out of his bar. The 5 of us stumbled out of the bar, still singing and slurring when we saw it. The monestary had put up the gate, the gate that was about 10 feet high with large spikes on it. We had no way to get back in, we even checked the outside perimeter. Shit.

"Well I guess we'll just have to sleep outside then", one girl said.

"No fucking way", I called out before she could even finish her sentence.

I then began to plot my scheme.

So you know that kid? You know, that kid thats in just about every group of friends that will do whatever you tell him or her to do when they're drunk? Well, I figured that we had to have one of those in our group, and boy was I right. Let me tell you, I can stiff these people out like Reese Pieces. His name was K., and I first learned that he was our person when I caught him running up and down the curbs on the side of the road while barely keeping his balance.

"Hey K.!" I called, "I have a mission for you, if you choose to accept it."

"Oh a mission! What is it?!", said K eagerly.

"Here's the story. We're locked out of the monestary. We need to get back in. What I need you to do is to climb over that fence, unlock it, and let us back in. You'll totally be saving the day and one of us might kiss you."

"Well I would, but there's spikes on the fence, isn't that kind of dangerous?"

"Its a mission its supposed to be dangerous, now go set us free!"

Right on cue, K. began climbing the fence. And let me tell you, it was one of the funniest sights I have ever seen in my life. The spikes that were on the fence kept going through K.'s shoes, which caused him to climb even faster so they wouldn't poke his foot. When he got to the top, he turned to us, put his hands up over his head and yelled "I'm climbing over the fence to get to the free world!", which made absolutely no fucking sense, but it was one of the most hysterical things I have ever head someone say. Maybe it was because I was drunk beyond belief.

And this is when the Guarda (aka the Irish Police) came.

All of a sudden we were surrounded. Caught totally off guard, me and one of the other boys dove into a bush, which didn't go over too well with the Guarda. All I could think about was that I was going to go to a foreign jail and never be let out, and they would beat me and torture me and rub my face in the dirt.

What followed next was like a scene out of a movie. There were about 3 or 4 of them all shining flashlights in our faces and screaming at us. Apparently someone from the monestary thought we were breaking in and called the cops. After I was ordered to come out of the bush, I politely explained to them our situation, and after about 15 minutes of further questioning, they called the monestary and had them open the gates for us.

And this ladies and gentlemen, was only my first night there.