Fight or Flight

I hate being alone when its dark out. I thought getting a dog would help the situation, but being that he is only about 6 lbs (of pure terror), that idea was soon put to rest. This morning, when I was in Boyfriend's apartment all by my lonesome besides the company of our two dogs, I almost gave myself a heart attack.

What you have to understand is that it is a chore for me to lock his front door. Why you ask? I'm really not too sure. I blame it solely on my stupidity and forgetfulness. Even though my safety and life may be at stake, I still choose to make it relatively easy for someone to bust through the door and murder me.

This morning while I was drying my hair, I heard a noise over the hairdryer which was followed by the sounds of both dogs barking and snarling. I stood there for a moment frozen in time. All I could think of was that holy shit there was a big huge man that came in through the front door because I didn't lock it and he is going to kick my dog and then shoot Boyfriend's dog and then rape me and get me pregnant and then I'll have a rape baby and then find out I have HIV and I'll also get some weird vaginal infection that won't be able to be cured and then he's going to come back and strangle me and leave me to die naked on the bathroom floor and Boyfriend will come home and say "I told you so"over my dead, beaten body.

Now, we all know how much I hate hearing "I told you so", so at that moment I decided I would have to fight off the rapist no matter how big and/or strong he may be. My choice of weapon? A can of aerosol hairspray and my bright red Steve Madden peep toe shoe. The attack method? To spray intruder with hairspray in both eyes with overpowering aerosol hairspray and then strike him forcefully in the head with bright red shoe so that if his blood were to get on the shoe, they would not be ruined from the stain (they were in fact very expensive). The next step would be to run out the front door and scream for help even though I was still in my underwear.

As my heart laid in my throat, I proceeded out to the living room ready to kill or be killed. When I got out there, Boyfriend's dog was on the sofa wagging his tail while he stared out the window. The said "intruder" was Boyfriend's neighbor who was leaving the building to go to work. I breathed a sigh of relief and then started laughing at the crazy hat she was wearing. Then, remembering she could see me, quickly darted inside the doorway before she noticed the crazy girl that stood in front of her, in her underwear, holding a shoe and hairspray, who looked like a cracked out version of J-Lo's character in Enough.

I later explained the situation to Boyfriend:

Me: Your stupid dog scared the shit out of me this morning. He made me think someone was breaking into the house!

Boyfriend: Was someone there?!

Me: No, it was just the neighbor girl leaving for work, but I grabbed my hairspray and shoe for protection, I was ready to fight!

Boyfriend: What were you going to do with that? Style their hair?

Me: Shut up.