Growing Up - My Way

OK, I'll admit it. Yours truly was the typical girlie-girl child. I played with barbies, wore hot pink skirts, and yes, even planned my own dream wedding, complete with invitations and a program with mine and Jonathan Brandis' initials on the front. I thought that marriage was something everyone did, it was "the right thing to do" when you grew up. My mother once told me that I had made a comment to her when I was five years old that you HAD to be married before you had any babies.

My oh my, how things have changed.

Over the weekend, I ran into a girl that I used to go to high school with. I wouldnt call her my freind, but in a school as small as mine was, we had definetely made conversation with each other on more then one occasion. We exchanged the usual polite small talk, asking how each other were and what was new. She told me that she had gotten married a year ago and of course I said "Congratulations!" with a huge, fake smile plastered on my face. This is something you have to do. Girls think weddings are a big deal. I should know, I used to be one of them.

From that point on the whole conversation was about marriage. Who she knew from high school and who they married and if she was in their weddings and who was in hers. I, being the fabulously single woman that I am, could only smile and nod while saying the occasional "Oh really?". Then she said it. I knew it was coming, but I brace myself for it everytime. "So how about you, are you married?" followed with "Is anyone from high school that you know married?" I never knew that marriage was a competition. After that question it seemed that my whole life was overlooked. Not once was I asked how my career was going, and the fact that I was a homeowner went completely unnoticed. The only thing that mattered was if I, or anyone else we knew, had pledged the rest of our lives to someone. At first I was appauled, but soon realized that I once had those very same dreams, and that was OK.

Its not that I dont want to get married, Im actually looking forward to it. But after a bad college break-up, I was able to open up my eyes for the first time. I took off the hot pink skirt, put on my a three piece suit and took a step out into the real world. It was then that I realized my whole dating life had been about someone else, and it scared the shit out of me. I didnt need someone to take care of me, to be there for me, and most importantly I didnt need to be somebody's somebody. It was now time for me to worry about myself, my career, and my social life.

I ended my senior year of college with less than stellar grades, but it was the happiest I had been in years. I wasnt working to impress anyone. I stayed out until 4 am with my sorority sisters, had drinks with my girlfriends after classes (sometimes even before) and had my occasional fling here and there. I never felt so free before, and I didnt want to ever give that up again.

However, things never go according to plan.

I met my current boyfriend the summer when I thought I was going to swear off relationships forever. Something about this guy told me he couldnt be passed up. Thank godness for intuition, it has never been more correct than it was at that moment. It was him that made me realize that I didnt have to change myself to be a part of him. We have actually grown with each other instead of growning apart, and there have been many relationship tests placed before us, and each we have passed with flying colors.

I have watched myself grow within the past two years and have discovered large parts of me that I never knew were there, each more incredible than the last. Even though I cannot wait to walk down that aisle (in a Vera Wang gown no less), I cant help but wonder if there are more parts that are still yet to be found, and I wonder if all of these other "happily married" girls still possess these parts that will always remain undiscovered and untouched.

For this reason I consider myself lucky. Women at work are jealous of my $90 shoes that I can spend so selfishly on myself. My married friends are green with envy because when I stay out until 4 in the morning, it goes unnoticed. Just when I thought I had nothing I found out that I had it all. And becauseof this little bit of extra time that I have selfishly spent on myself, I have a fabulous career, friends, family, and partner.......and when i decide to stroll down that aisle, i know I will have a one helluva fabulous marriage too.